1001 Jokes You Can Tell Anywhere

1001 Jokes : You Can Tell Anywhere
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He gets more and more drunk, trying to work up the nerve to talk to a woman.

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She turns around. He seemed like a very, very smart man. She wanted to watch it too. My father used to do the exact same thing, and it made me feel very close to Eddie. I went to a lot of shows at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre before I started taking classes there. It was a loose collection of characters and stories, but it just worked as a whole, and every individual piece was hilarious.

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A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service. Bestselling author Bob Phillips combined sales of more than 9 million copies! So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. Dave Starchild says:. Q: What did the fashion police officer say to his sweater? Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony.

In one bit, he would put on a creepy devil mask and give life advice and tips to the audience. He shared how, if you dipped your penis in honey and put it in front of an infant, the baby would automatically start sucking your dick. What did you expect? Kevin Kline is sent to apologize to John Cleese. He sits in his car beating the steering wheel and fuming, trying to force himself to utter a practice apology. He then sneaks into the house, mistakes John Cleese for a burglar, and beats him with a fireplace shovel.

That immediate and acute reversal of character was always so funny to me. Seinfeld was the one comedian where I was like — what?!

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Stand-up can sound like that?! A joke can be worded like that?! It showed me that stand-up can come in a million different forms, not just setup-punchline, you just have to be authentic and do it your way. There was a bass player that would come to Dallas from Houston when Mitch was in town to play bass in the background. There was this one night … it was a Thursday, the club was packed, and it had this really cool supper club vibe to it.

There was something so special about that night. Mitch was killing with no effort and that bass in the background … it just heightened the vibe. This is magical. It was the first time I saw a stand-up that I thought was cool, and not old fashioned. He was doing something new that I was really attracted to. Andy Daly Review The first time I made a room full of people laugh I was either three or four years old at nursery school, and it was my job to carry the tray of fruit juice into the kitchen and I accidentally dropped it, but all the kids thought I did it on purpose, so I got a big laugh.

So I went with it and played it up. I must have already been a bit of a wise-ass at that point. That was real anarchy, to throw down a whole tray of fruit juice just for laughs. I would not have been so bold, but they gave me credit for that, and I took it, and I got in trouble! Okay, let me start by saying, I formed this opinion many, many years ago. Everything you need to know about putting together a bit is here; from act-outs to callbacks to timing.

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But purely on the mechanics, it is the greatest piece of next-level stand-up ever. It was the first time I realized how much fun it was to sing jokes. When I was about six years old I saw Louie Anderson on TV doing a joke about trying to flush a dead pet bird down a toilet. It was a physical bit where he spun in a circle to show what the bird would look like.

I performed the joke for my family and anyone else who would listen. I would really commit to the spinning. My favorite: Where does a pirate keep his buccaneers? But my mom said no.

See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was And I could just have his motorcycle. I used to watch all of the old Jerry Lewis movies back when I was in junior high and he made me want to get into comedy. Just silly as hell and goofy as it gets. I was hooked on that show in the early s.

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My favorite all time joke is by Pablo Francisco. It was a bit about Mexican girls and fighting. I could watch that bit over and over again. It never gets old. It was the first time I saw live sketch comedy, and it took away all the thoughts that doing sketch comedy had to be huge and produced. It was amazing. Then, of course, to follow it up with Norm, who is one of my all time favorite stand-ups.

That would be the show that pushed me toward getting started seriously. My favorite joke of all time is an old B. Novak joke. We were doing open mics around the same time, of course before his meteoric rise to the top. But he was one of the sharpest joke writers on the scene. I eventually broke the binding and carried it in two pieces. But my favorite were the worst kind in the book, these story-jokes that always involved an Irishman, a Scotsman, and a German doing something together. Actually, that sounds like a lot of my act now. I get it. That was when I first become obsessed with telling jokes.

It was a weird set-up, where they were all onstage at once and handed the mic back and forth, and did one joke at a time, but they were very good.

Two of the guys, Matt Goldich and Jordan Carlos, are wonderful people I now know, and who are professional writers and comedians. The comedian Greg Johnson has the best joke of all time, which is about him reading the Frequently Asked Questions pamphlet at his local library. I saw Louis C. After an hour people were almost relieved when it ended, because the laughing hurt them.

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It was unforgettable. Tompkins is one of the best jokes ever written. Roseanne was very seminal to me growing up, I watched a lot of Roseanne. The whole Christopher Guest thing is my jam.

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I remember the moment when the tiny Stonehenge in This Is S pinal Tap comes down and the little people kick it, I remember thinking that that was inconceivably funny. I loved Freaks and Geeks , Martin Starr, really. That is what I want to be involved in. And now, I get to grab his inner thighs whenever I want.

I worked in a movie theater when that was playing, so I watched it over and over again. Like when Marge thought she was hearing Homer as a voice-over, but he was actually in the backseat whispering to her. I can still crack up at that sketch. It makes me so happy. I thought Oh man, that is very good. I can hardly keep my eyes on the meter.

Chris Vanartsdalen : Around age 13 I was becoming an atheist, but I was conflicted and struggling with it. I realized that comedy can contain complicated ideas in a hilarious package. Hey, happy birthday, Jesus! Hope you like crap. In fact, it might be a terrible joke. But I starting wishing I could do what Norm did. Dave Ferguson : When John Candy flipped that pancake with a snow shovel in Uncle Buck , it cemented the core of my sense of humor to this day.

Everyone was losing it. Teachers, recess monitors, the class. I thought that was a crazy and inspiring achievement, and a cool goal. There were two seats left for the show, and it was my mom, my dad, and myself. I want to do things like this. I loved being at 30 Rock[feller Center]. The ticket to that show is still hanging over my bed. My dad was conveniently at work.

This was too important to wait for my father to get home.